It happens to everyone. Nearly 90% of Americans will at some point in their driving career, discover the conniving and startling appearances of spiders in their vehicle. Of course you may wonder, “How do those pesky spiders manage to always find a car to hop into?”
Besides that looming question, you may also wonder how they have the mental capacity to find a convenient place to rest, either on the driver or copilot seat, or even better, to make a grand entrance. This includes crawling up your ankle, or spinning down in front of your face as you make the turn.
Well my friends there is some good and bad to this recent discovery. Only 89% of hitchhiking spiders are not poisenous. In fact, they’re completely harmless and don’t know what to do with their spare time other than startle people and suffer a violent death. On the other hand, there are some spiders that have cruel intentions. About 8% to be precise. I was a victim last week, at the hands of a brown recluse. Little did I know that his plot was to stay aboard the gas can, while on my way to the Philips 66. Secured in my trunk, he made not a sound. Unaware that a brown recluse was patiently waiting to carjack me at the Philips 66, I opened the trunk swiflty, ready to fuel up for a 2 hour lawn mowing. And there he was. Showing off his violin tatt on the top of the tank. I had to act quick. Here’s what I suggest you do if you ever are prey to a spider’s plan of attack:
1. Survey the situation
2. Wield whatever the spider is on into the air; this is a surprise attack
3. If you cannot wield it, find something bigger than him quickly
4. Make a huge scene to show you are performing self defense, (so the spider may not escape, and sue you for injury.)
In my case, a fat brown recluse was a slight advantage. Due to the fact that they are slow moving spiders, I quickly yield the gas can out into the lot, causing a scene of self-defense. There were plenty of witnesses. He was dismounted from his position, and I quickly squished his body five times with my shoe.
Let this be a lesson to all drivers that may have spider encounters to come. Brown recluses are, in fact, an extremely poisenous spider. However, as I said before, the other 89% are just travelling bums.
As for the other 3% that I did not mention, well, it is a confirmed result that they are responsible for transporting heroine and meth to drug lords across the country. The Mexican Jumping Spider is known for this occupation. Such matters should not be taken lightly. If you see one, call the police.